Thursday, February 18, 2010

A day of reflection

I am going to try to get my thoughts down into words here, so don't judge me. I am definitely not a writer. I just think I will feel better by getting some of this out.

On this gestational day during my last pregnancy, 22 weeks 2 days, the day started out wonderful. Blissful almost. We had just returned from Midland and our baby shower, we were going in to have an ultrasound and hopefully find out what we were having (girl or boy) and we were looking forward to going to see Wicked in Rochester the next night. This was June 5th 2008. During the ultrasound I was on pins and needles. My biggest concern at that very moment was whether or not the baby would cooperate... as 2 weeks before he decided he didn't want anyone know what he was for the shower. Never did it cross my mind that something could be out of place, let alone seriously wrong.

The ultrasound tech took her normal measurements and said she thinks it is a boy. Keith and I were so happy we barely noticed when she said she wanted to do some "extra" measurements with a different tool. After which we were ushered into a waiting conference room and told the doctor would be with us shortly. Which was strange, because they usually just make you go out to the waiting room. This was when we started to feel like something may be wrong...

All different thoughts started to go through our heads. It was almost 45 agonizing minutes before the doctor came in to "relieve" us. He informed us that the technician had found that my cervix was shortening and funneling and that I needed to be put in the hospital immediately. I would be on strict bedrest at the hospital through the weekend, then on Monday they would check me again and go from there.

I was rushed to the hospital. I think I was in shock. I couldn't process my emotions except to cry. I spent the next 4 days trying to figure out what was going on. I spent a lot of time researching and what I found scared the crap outta me. On Monday I was wheeled over to have another ultrasound and it was found that my cervix was even shorter and that I was staying in the hospital for a while. A resident with the worst bedside manner came in to check if I was dilating at all. She checked me and found that I was dilated to 1. She then proceeded to inform me that I would deliver within 48 hours and since my baby was not yet 24 weeks that there was nothing they would or could do to save him.

Oh I forgot to mention that over the weekend, I had a roomate at the hospital. She was 2 weeks ahead of me. One night, I believe it was Friday night, I was awoken at 3 am from her calling the nurses and saying that her water broke. The next few hours were a flurry of doctors, nurses and specialist in our room to verify her status. All I could do was sit behind my curtain in my bed and silently cry for her and hope that it didn't happen to me too. (I don't know what happened to her in the end. All I know is that when I left the hospital she was still holding in there)

So after my devastating news that was delivered Oh so tactfully, I was a mess. I was transferred to my own room, and immediately used our FF miles to have my mom flown out to be with me. I was kept in the hospital until I reached 24 weeks. I was given another ultrasound and was told that I was "staying the same" With little hope they sent me home to be on strict bedrest, sure I would be back sooner rather than later. Well against all odds, I kept my legs crossed and week after week my doctor was amazed that we were still holding on.

I am sure many of you have read/heard all this before. And I know that I was VERY lucky to have the outcome that I did. But see, that is what scares me. I was VERY lucky the first time. What are the odds of being that lucky 2 times? I know that this little girl has every shot to make it as far as Cameron, if not even farther, but in my heart I will still be paranoid every second until I can hold her safely in my arms. I know that I have many safety precautions in place this time that I did not last time, and that makes me feel somewhat better. I have a cerclage and I am getting weekly injections to stave off contractions. But I am still counting my milestones. Each week I am one more week closer to having her safe and sound. I am 22 weeks 2 days today. I will not have another ultrasound until Tuesday and I am paranoid that because I am not being checked this week that I am "missing" something.

I want to go to my u/s on Tuesday and have them tell me that I am still holding strong at over 3 cm. But I doubt it. I want to make it to March 2nd.... 24 weeks, and "viability" I want to make it to 28 weeks. In the end I want to make it to May 18th. That would be when Cameron was born. 35 weeks. I know I want a lot of things, but I do. This little girl deserves it.

I look at the little boy that came out of all of that stress and emotional rollercoaster of a pregnancy and know that it is worth it. I feel her kick inside me and know that I love her just as much as her big brother.

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